If you’re trying to figure out what really makes men tick, put down Cosmo, turn off The Talk, and head straight to Victoria’s Secret.
As a public service to men and women everywhere, the lingerie retailer has just unveiled its latest catalogue of bedroom costumes, appropriately called Sexy Little Fantasies™. And believe me, there’s probably no better barometer of what stokes the male libido these days than this parade of sexy stereotypes.
The bad news is that much of this year’s SLF™ collection is same-old, same-old — a predictable lineup of archetypes from the depressingly unimaginative collective male psyche. Sexy sailor? Check. Tarty maid? Check. Coy ballerina? Check.
If you look a bit deeper, though, you’ll see Victoria’s Secret has made some revealing edits to last year’s SLF collection, and added a few new pieces to keep everyone up to date on the latest trends in male horniness.
For instance, if you’re planning to surprise your BF with a naughty nurse scenario tonight, forget it: the Sexy Little Nurse outfit has been dropped from the VS collection — a decision they will rue the next time one of their execs takes ill and has to explain to his nurse why she doesn’t fit the sexy little mold any longer. Likewise, last year’s Sexy Little Valentine outfit is gone, which sort of makes sense given that pretty much everything in a Victoria’s Secret store could pass for a Valentine’s costume.
But enough teasing; what’s new now? Victoria’s Secret has added five new designs to the SLF™ collection, which should help you win points from trend-conscious BFs and significant others.
For starters, there’s the collection’s nicest piece, the Sexy Little Showstopper (top photo), a lace-and-mesh bodysuit that comes with a silly hat, feather wand, veil and bowtie. It’s inspired by the growing interest in all-things-burlesque and suggests that, while last year’s film of the same name might not have lit up the box office, it probably inspired more than a few raunchy amateur nights at home. (Oddly, the SL Showstopper is unrelated to the new Victoria’s Secret collection of seamless bras that bear the same name. Maybe they’re running out of catchy titles?)
Also new are a Sexy Little Pirate get-up to help your guy channel his Johnny Depp impersonation and — most interesting — a Queen of Hearts casino-inspired set. If you’re one of millions of women whose partners are more turned on by Texas Hold’em than anything else these days, this could catch his attention once his poker buddies have gone home.
Most curious of all, though, might be Victoria’s Secret’s decision to include a Sexy Little Police Officer costume in this year’s collection — complete with a set of play handcuffs. If your guy fantasizes about hooking up with a cop, he’s probably spending way too much time with the wrong crowd. Then again, this could prove helpful in reminding him who’s the real authority in the family.
Finally, there’s a cute Sexy Little Devil set (complete with pitchfork!) in the new batch, which is a bit obvious: all guys love a bad girl, even if she’s just pretending.
Altogether, the Sexy Little Fantasies™ set is a harmless and utterly impractical assortment that should deliver some one-time thrills. Just keep in mind that these things have a pretty brief shelf life. No one’s going to get excited by your Sexy Little Stewardess get-up a second time and, let’s be honest, the Sexy Little Ballerina outfit is borderline creepy to begin with, especially if your neighbors have kids in dance class.
The exceptions to this rule are the French Maid set (unchanged from last year), which remains an enduring fixture in the male libido despite the political sensitivities arising from the DSK rape nightmare in New York; and the Sexy Little Cowgirl outfit which, quite frankly, isn’t much different than what the kids are already wearing to Gilley’s on Friday nights these days.