Ah, the football season is back again with its familiar sights and sounds — the roaring crowds, the crunching of helmets, the smacking of buttocks, the jiggling boobs, the lacey pink thongs. Wait a minute. Jiggling? Thongs?
Yes, the Lingerie Football League is back and, to my undying horror, it looks like it’s here to stay this time after various false starts over the past few years.
Make no mistake, “lingerie football” has nothing to do with either lingerie or football. If you have a purist’s appreciation for either, you’ll be appalled by its shameless, misogynistic hucksterism. Seriously, if your man wants to watch girls thump each other, rent Whip It instead and make it a date night.
But regardless of what you think of the Lingerie Football League, it’s taken a major step into the cultural mainstream thanks to a new TV deal with MTV2, which will broadcast a one-hour “highlights” package on Friday nights, where it will be seen by all those guys who don’t have dates. Hey, it’s a start.
If you haven’t yet had the peculiar vicarious thrill of attending a lingerie football game or seeing the highlight reel, try to imagine a cross between American Gladiators and the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.
The four-game LFL “season” is somehow stretched out until February, when the championship Lingerie Bowl airs during Super Bowl halftime and sucks up mega advertising dollars and any NFL fans who aren’t turned on by marching bands and old rock stars.
There are 10 teams with names like Breeze, Charm, Bliss, Desire and Passion (just try screaming “Go Bliss!!!”). The “uniforms” are not lingerie, but some kind of athletic wear — even though all the league marketing photos feature images of the players decked out in satin boyshorts, ribboned garters, and lacey strings.
The teams play on a field that is 50 yards long and 30 wide, about the size of my backyard. They play two 17-minute “halfs”. The league website, just like the NFL website, has a richly detailed “stats” section which tells you, among other things, that the San Diego Seduction scored two touchdowns last year, and the league leader in interceptions grabbed two.
Who are we kidding? Let’s face it, the Lingerie Football League exists to give ex-models something to do during the jello wrestling off-season, and to give men something to look at while snacking. If you go through a bag of Cheetohs and a sixer of Bud during a “game”, the LFL will have done its job.
And if all that doesn’t get you pumped for tomorrow’s opening kickoff, here’s our semi-serious list of Top 10 Things To Know About Lingerie Football. (And yes, some of these are true!)
Finally, check out this year’s official TV promo. Then go outside and play.